The Brothers Simpson
FADE IN:
1 EXT. SIMPSON ENTERPRISES LLC – DAY
A retired couple, the MCCRACKENS, inspect a luxury RV. Their Cobra sports car is parked nearby. BRUCE SIMPSON closes the deal.
MR. MCCRACKEN
Look here, son. My wife’s dragging me off on this trip. If you do as we agreed, then all’s good. If you don’t, there’s gonna be trouble. Here are the keys.
BRUCE
Mr. McCracken, your baby’s safer with me than a bug in a rug snug as a bee in your bonnet or a bur under your saddle blanket. I’ll drive her once a week for conditioning and keep her covered the rest. Y’all have a safe trip—enjoy the RV. See you in three weeks.
RV drives off as FELDMAN, BRUCE’S #1 minion, rushes over.
FELDMAN
Chief, this just came in, it looks important.
BRUCE
Hand it over, dummy. Looks like Uncle Abraham has dropped dead!
FELDMAN
No! I figured that ornery old skinflint to live forever. He sure could fish, though!
BRUCE
You know he’s rich? Won every fishing tournament since ‘62.
FELDMAN
Yep, and so mean and stingy he’d squeeze a nickel til the buffalo poots!
BRUCE peels out in the Cobra.
2 INT. ACCOUNTING OFFICE – DAY.
TRACEY SIMPSON stares at his computer screen, a display of a website about “How to Open Your Own Sports Bar.”
[VOICEOVER]
Simpson! You got that spreadsheet finished for the Boatatorium
Account?
TRACEY
Yes, Mr. Scourge. I gave it to you last week. [bangs head on desk]
TRACEY sees letter on his desk, reads it and jumps up to leave.
3 EXT. ACCOUNTING OFFICE — DAY
TRACEY exits the office. BRUCE is parked at the curb.
BRUCE
Hey little brother.
TRACEY
Where’d you steal the car?
BRUCE
Show some respect. This is a day of mourning!
TRACEY
Respect? He never had a thing to do with us. We weren’t rugged enough. And we stunk at fishing.
BRUCE
Little brother we’re about to be rich.
Cobra peels off.
4 EXT. CONVENIENCE STORE — DAY
BRUCE walks to the door, talking on his cellphone.
BRUCE
Yeah I got that car you said you needed. I’ll see you in the morning. Early!
5 INT. CONVENIENCE STORE – DAY
BRUCE places an 18-pack of beer, pork rinds and a pack of cigarettes on the counter.
CASHIER
It’s not taking your card.
BRUCE
That’s impossible. There’s over $6,000 dollars in that account.
CASHIER
Let’s try credit… Nope.
BRUCE pulls out a wad of cash and starts counting as a line forms behind him.
BRUCE
One, two, three… How old are you, son?
CASHIER
Just turned 22.
BRUCE
23, 24—Here you go, son. And here’s my card – Simpson Enterprises, we do it all. Let’s talk sometime.
CASHIER
Thanks, sir!
6 INT. COBRA – DAY
BRUCE
How old are you, Tracey?
TRACEY
Give me my change.
BRUCE
Just testing. You always were the smart one. Let’s go get our money!
TRACEY
Stop counting your chickens Bruce!
BRUCE
We’re his only heirs. It’s in the bag. Trust me!
TRACEY
I told you never say that to me.
Cobra peels off.
7 INT. LAW OFFICES OF LACOSTA, ARMAN & LEGGETT – DAY
The brothers open a door emblazoned with “LACOSTA, ARMAN & LEGGETT, ATTORNEYS AT LAW,” and enter a musty outdated office with stuffed trophy animals on the walls. They exchange awkward greetings.
TRACEY
Mr. Arman, Mr. Leggett.
BRUCE
Mr. Leggett, Mr. Arman.
MR. ARMAN
If you’ll please be seated….. As your late uncle’s only direct heirs, you both stand to inherit everything. $2.7 million in cash and assets. A Louisiana fishing cabin which may or may not be underwater. A 1/8 stake in Dogpatch. A llama farm. And his famous collection of spoons. However, your uncle provided a codicil.
BRUCE
That’s all good but what’s a codicil? Some kinda fish, heh heh?
TRACEY
It means stipulations, Bruce.
MR. ARMAN
Your uncle provided a video that explains everything.
BRUCE
How’d he die?
MR. LEGGETT
He fell afoul of a poorly fileted trout.
TRACEY
You mean he choked on a fish bone?
BRUCE
And he wondered why we hated fishing.
A TV comes on, revealing UNCLE ABRAHAM, a Colonel Sanders-type figure, glaring from the screen.
UNCLE ABRAHAM
If you’re watching this right now, it means I’ve hooked my last trophy. Bruce, PLEASE wipe the beer and pork rinds off your chin.
BRUCE spews his beer and looks at TRACEY.
UNCLE ABRAHAM
First of all, I ain’t having a funeral, so you’re off the hook for that mess. My ashes are mixing with the mud of Whiskey Lake. Buddy o’mine dumped em for me—Whiskey Lake is where it all began. Now, I know you boys suck at fishing. You came up soft and lazy. You need salvation. And fishing can be your savior. Before you can inherit my fortune, you gotta prove your worth in the world of fishing. I’ve instructed my attorneys, LaCosta, Arman & Leggett, to provide you with a list of fish you must catch. They will also provide you with $10,000 cash for supplies.
BRUCE and TRACEY exchange grins.
UNCLE ABRAHAM
And by the way: there’ll be no drinking, no smoking and no gambling. Just fishing! And you have to use my tacklebox. That is all!
UNCLE ABRAHAM laughs until a coughing fit takes over.
LEGGETT
We’ve hired a retired game warden to make sure you follow the rules and to document your catch. Get the door, Arman.
WARDEN enters office.
WARDEN
You boys can call me Warden. I haven’t seen y’all in a long time. Not since you went fishing on Whiskey Lake. Remember that?
BRUCE
Sure, sure—Tracey, you got the list? Where’s the money? And the tacklebox?
WARDEN
Here’s my number. Call me when the circus starts. I’ll be watchin’.
TRACEY
We’ll be in touch.
8 EXT. PARKING LOT – DAY
TRACEY
Where’s the money, Bruce?
BRUCE
I can’t believe that’s the same warden we met when we were kids.
TRACEY
That was the last time we ever went fishing.
9 EXT. WHISKEY LAKE – DAWN
BEGIN FLASHBACK: YOUNG BRUCE and YOUNG TRACEY in a boat fishing in a Norman Rockwell vision of perfection.
YOUNG BRUCE
Hey—look at that dead guy! Hand me your rod and reel!
YOUNG TRACEY
It is a dead guy!
YOUNG BRUCE
Give me your shoelaces—I’m gonna tie him to the boat so we can tow him in!
YOUNG BRUCE hooks the man’s sweater and reels in the body. As it bumps the boat, it turns over and both kids scream. END FLASHBACK.
10 EXT. PARKING LOT – DAY
BRUCE
Warden didn’t like it when I told him we caught our limit.
TRACEY
We’re screwed.
BRUCE
I’ll cash the check.
TRACEY
I want to hold on to the money.
BRUCE
Fine! You can pick it up tonight when you bring the list!
TRACEY
Take me back to the office.
Cobra peels out.
11 EXT. HORSE TRACK – DAY
BRUCE cheering at the rail as horses enter the home stretch. ANNOUNCER makes the call.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Heading into the final turn it’s Kelly Belly Kid in the lead, with Hank’s Alibi gaining!
BRUCE
Come on, Kelly Belly! Come on Kelly Belly!
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
It’s Kelly Belly Kid and Hank’s Alibi, neck and neck!
BRUCE
Come ON, Kelly Belly Kid! Come on Kelly Belly!
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
It’s Kelly Belly Kid! It’s Hank’s Alibi! It’s Kelly Belly Kid! Annnnnd it’s Hank’s Alibi by a nose!
BRUCE rips up ticket, cussing and screaming, drowned out by CROWD.
12 INT. BRUCE’S FARMHOUSE – NIGHT
BRUCE scribbles on a whiteboard, graphing “Species” “Location” etc., when TRACEY enters.
TRACEY
Where’s the money, Bruce?
BRUCE
It was closed. I’ll cash it in the morning—let’s see that list.
TRACEY
Where’s the check?
BRUCE
In the safe at my office. Don’t you trust me? Gimme that list! Bass, trout, catfish, crappie—
TRACEY
It’s “crah-pee”
BRUCE
Right, Right…Oh, here’s an easy one—stripper!
TRACEY
Striper.
BRUCE
Just testin’. I got us a house on Whiskey Lake. There’s a trout stream nearby, too.
TRACEY
This isn’t gonna be like that time with the skeleton key and the mansion? I’m still living that down.
BRUCE
Trust me, brother. A client of mine is out of town, he told me to watch the place. Says here the fish we catch have to be big enough to mount. Uncle Abraham expects us to win a tournament!?
TRACEY
It says, “MUST win one fishing tournament of any kind.”
Screen door opens and FELDMAN enters carrying two 18-packs of cheap beer.
FELDMAN
How’s it going?
TRACEY
We’re not supposed to drink!
BRUCE
Only when we’re fishing or when the Warden’s around, relax! Feldman, hand me a beer. We gotta focus on a tournament.
TRACEY
We’re so screwed.
FELDMAN
There’s that tagged fish contest, but that’s random luck. Take a miracle for y’all to get a tagged striper.
BRUCE
What’s the tag mean?
FELDMAN
$10,000.
BRUCE
No wonder Abraham was rich.
FELDMAN
Cousin Cooter puts on a noodling tournament down on Lake Mullethead. I could sign y’all up for that.
BRUCE
What the hell is a noodle? Type of fish?
TRACEY
No, the noodle is the bait, right? You use macaroni?
FELDMAN
It’s a catfishing tournament. Noodling is when you catch ‘em with your bare hands—the Feldmans are known for noodling. It’s like a calling.
BRUCE
Sign us up! Tomorrow we’re heading to the lake house to get set up for some bass fishing. Tracey, pick me up here at 8—I’m getting the Cobra a tune-up. Feldman, I need you here at dawn.
13 EXT. BRUCE’S FARMHOUSE – DAWN
BRUCE and FELDMAN stack supplies on the porch (water jugs, mask and fins, cooler).
FELDMAN
I scrounged up a few poles, Chief. Nothing fancy. Want me to run the Cobra to the shop?
BRUCE
Get outta the way, Feldman. Here comes the mechanic now.
GUY rumbles up on a Harley, kicks dirt onto FELDMAN. GUY is an excited twenty-something country boy.
GUY
I got the cash Mr. Simpson!
BRUCE
Good, good. Feldman, run upstairs to the attic and get my waders!
FELDMAN
Right, Chief!
GUY
Here she goes Mr. Simpson–$3,000 cash! Peaches is gonna be so surprised!
BRUCE
When’s the wedding? You pick out a shotgun yet?
GUY
Huh? Naw, Mr. Simpson! Peaches ain’t even pregnant! We’s marrying for love.
BRUCE
Here’s the keys. If you do as we agreed, then all’s good. If you don’t, there’s gonna be trouble. Now what did we agree to?
GUY
I have her back to you in a week, not a day later. And not a scratch on ‘er.
FELDMAN (covered in insulation and cobwebs)
Chief I been all through that attic and there ain’t no waders.
GUY
I can’t thank you enough Mr. Simpson—Peaches and me will never forget—
BRUCE
Right, right. Well, be sure and tune ‘er up good!
GUY
You mean Peaches, aw, yeah, haha sure thing! Bye!
BRUCE
Here, take this. Just buy some waders, Feldman. Then go down to Gina Mae’s Fish House. Buy the biggest bass you can find—here, buy two. Then go to the south side of Whiskey Lake. I’ll call you. Take this too (hands FELDMAN the mask and fins).
FELDMAN
Right, Chief. There’s Tracey.
TRACEY pulls up in old truck, kicking dirt on Feldman.
TRACEY
Bruce, I’ve been up all night researching! We’re gonna catch us the biggest bass in the lake!
BRUCE
You’re right, little brother.
They begin loading the truck, TRACEY talking a mile a minute.
TRACEY
Here’s what we gotta do, Bruce. For this time of year, we have to find some shallow brush, ‘cause that’s where they’ll be spawning. We gotta be real quiet and cast a minnow-shaped Ra-pu-luh. If that doesn’t work, we use a spinnerbait.
BRUCE
Spinsterbait’s my middle name.
TRACEY
Let’s go catch some fish.
TRACEY slams the tailgate closed, breaking the poles.
BRUCE
Feldman, add poles to the list!
14 EXT LAKEHOUSE – MORNING
TRACEY and BRUCE exit the truck.
TRACEY
Where’s the money, Bruce?
BRUCE
Bank wasn’t open yet. Here’s some petty cash. There’s a boat here already. Wait here.
BRUCE goes around back while TRACEY waits at the front door, staring at a tole-painted sign that reads “Welcome to the McCrackens.”
15 EXT MCCRACKEN’S BACK DECK – MORNING
BRUCE searches for way to enter, looks under doormat—no key—looks under flowerpot—takes out credit card and jimmies open door.
16 INT MCCRACKEN’S LAKE HOUSE – MORNING
BRUCE heads to front door, kicking some mail out of sight.
BRUCE
Welcome home.
TRACEY
Who are these McCrackens?
BRUCE
Colleague of mine. Let’s load up the boat. I’ll be right down—I need to make a call.
TRACEY
I’ve got the tacklebox. Hurry up.
BRUCE
Feldman? You there yet? Got the fish? Take the trail to the old still, get in the water and hide. When I throw the lure, set her on like we planned. (hangs up, calls WARDEN)
Warden? Yeah, this is Bruce Simpson. Meet us over on the south side of Whiskey Lake. We’re gonna catch us a bass today….
INTERCUT with WARDEN at breakfast table with cereal in a Mickey Mouse bowl. He’s wearing a wifebeater and boxers, a cigar burns next to the transistor radio. He is working a Marilyn Monroe jigsaw puzzle.
WARDEN
So you two city squares are gonna catch a fish, huh? This is gonna be more fun than setting an outhouse on fire.
17 EXT BOAT DOCK – MORNING
The brothers stare at the McCrackens’ pontoon boat.
TRACEY
We can’t bass fish in this!
BRUCE
Sure we can! Trust me. It floats.
The brothers begin loading the boat; Tracey’s sunglasses fall into the lake.
TRACEY
That’s a bad sign.
BRUCE reaches into a storage bin and hands TRACEY a fancy pair of women’s sunglasses.
BRUCE
Here—your luck has changed.
18 EXT SOUTH SIDE OF WHISKEY LAKE – MORNING
FELDMAN, wearing mask and fins, struggles with the dead fish and wades into the water. He hunkers down and hides among some reeds.
19 EXT BOAT — MORNING
TRACEY
Do you even know how to drive one of these?
BRUCE
Trust me.
BRUCE backs out of the slip, catching the canopy and tearing it. Canopy falls on TRACEY.
20 EXT SOUTH SIDE OF WHISKEY LAKE – MORNING
The WARDEN sits in a folding chair drinking a beer and peering through binoculars.
21 EXT BOAT — MORNING
BRUCE kicks back in the seat as TRACEY drives.
BRUCE
There’s some brush cover on the south side—head for that. Hey! Hey—you may want to watch out for that—
Loud boom as boat runs over a buoy.
TRACEY
What was that?!
BRUCE
Buoy.
22 EXT BOAT, SOUTH SIDE WHISKEY LAKE — MORNING
Pontoon approaches bank.
BRUCE
There’s a good spot—slow down!
TRACEY
No, I like this over here—
BRUCE
No, wait, slow down!
Pontoon boat runs aground.
BRUCE
We’re anchored. I’ll fish these reeds over here, you fish on the other side. I got the spinster, you take the Rap-u-luh.
TRACEY pulls back to cast and hooks Bruce’s shorts.
BRUCE
AAAAAAGGHHHH! Get it off!
TRACEY
Wait, I’ll get it!
BRUCE
No, no—stop! Stop!
TRACEY
It’s coming!
BRUCE
Drop the pole! Stop!
Loud ripping sound as shorts fly into lake, leaving Bruce standing in his boxers.
TRACEY
Sorry—it’s these damn glasses! (throws them at BRUCE) Can we fish now?
BRUCE
Look–this is how it’s done!
BRUCE casts straight into the water.
TRACEY
No, watch me—
TRACEY casts into a tree.
BRUCE
Did you research how to get out of a tree?
TRACEY
As a matter of fact, I did! You just pull straight back, keeping the tension proportional to the torque—aaagghh! (tree branch smacks him in face)
BRUCE
Tracey, just relax! Sit down for a minute. Hand me a bottle of water.
TRACEY
This water looks kinda funny.
BRUCE
That’s my water—I like it cloudy.
23 EXT WHISKEY LAKE SHORE — DAY
WARDEN has been joined in his stake out by various woodland animals, all watching the lake.
WARDEN
These buffoons are stupider than I thought.
24 EXT BOAT — DAY
BRUCE
Get that lure outta there and start fishing. I see a honey hole over here.
BRUCE casts, hitting FELDMAN in the mask. FELDMAN grabs line, hooks fish, slips and jerks the line. BRUCE sets the hook and reels FELDMAN and fish to the boat, banging FELDMAN’S head on the pontoon. FELDMAN tosses bass into the boat and swims away.
25 EXT WHISKEY LAKE SHORE — DAY
WARDEN
Move that branch, idiot! I can’t see nothing!
26 EXT BOAT — DAY
BRUCE
Look at this one, little brother!
TRACEY
Bruce that fish ain’t breathing.
BRUCE
He’s just stunned from hitting the pontoon.
WARDEN walks up.
WARDEN
Looks like you boys got lucky.
TRACEY
It’s called the Simpson blood.
WARDEN
Stacey, your lure never hit the water. You caught a pair of pants and a Christmas Tree. Bottom line, there’s still a lot of fishing left. You guys may be the worst I’ve ever seen. Hold it up, Bruce.
STILL SHOT. BRUCE in his boxers holding fish.
27 EXT LAKEHOUSE DECK — NIGHT
TRACEY
I can’t believe how easy that was!
BRUCE
That was easier than pulling corn out of a donkey’s ear rolling out the truck patch!
TRACEY
That makes no sense, Bruce. I’m not sure how you caught that bass, but trout fishing is nothing like bass fishing. I watched all the videos—we need to get the fly rods and pick out the best woolly booger in Uncle’s tacklebox.
[Sounds of distant laughter and music.]
BRUCE
Sounds like there’s a party going on down the street. Listen little brother, here’s the plan: We’re gonna sleep in, get up and pitch a camp along the Little Big River. We’ll catch us a fat trout, and we’re closer to the money. Right now, I think we need to see about some dinner at this party.
TRACEY
Bruce, we got to get to bed. I have to look up some stuff. I’m telling you, trout fishing is different.
BRUCE
Come on, we’ll go say hi, get some dinner, and we’ll come right back.
CUT TO
28 INT NEIGHBOR’S LAKEHOUSE – NIGHT
Wild party in progress—TRACEY swings his shirt over his head, dancing. BRUCE dances atop a coffee table.
29 INT HALLWAY — NIGHT
TRACEY is talking to a blonde.
TRACEY
I’m a professional fisherman.
BLONDE
Reel me in, sugar!
30 EXT BALCONY — NIGHT
BRUCE brags to several women.
BRUCE
I’m the CEO of Simpson Enterprises—we do it all. Any of you ladies into modeling?
31 INT KITCHEN — NIGHT
BRUCE and TRACEY, plates piled high, work the buffet. A large man enters.
TRACEY
Hey isn’t that the wrestler, the Sasquatch?
BRUCE
Oh yes, the ultimate scam, wrestling. I’d like to ask him a few questions. Here, hold my plate.
BRUCE grabs a beer and approaches the wrestler.
BRUCE
So you’re a wrestler, huh? What would you do with a real man?
Man pile-drives BRUCE into kitchen floor and exits.
BRUCE
Oh, that’s what you’d do.
TRACEY stuffs shrimp in his mouth.
TRACEY
Ouch! Nice form, Bruce.
32 INT MCCRACKEN LAKEHOUSE — MORNING
BRUCE and TRACEY, sprawled on couches, snoring. FELDMAN lays on the horn outside, waking the brothers.
BRUCE
McCrackens!
TRACEY
Huh?
BRUCE
Oh, it’s Feldman.
33 EXT LAKEHOUSE DRIVEWAY — MORNING
FELDMAN loads the truck as BRUCE and TRACEY sit inside truck, hungover.
FELDMAN
It’s all loaded up.
FELDMAN closes tailgate on fishing poles.
BRUCE
Feldman, get outta here and go buy some fly rods. Meet us tomorrow morning at the Old Bridge. And remember what I told you.
34 EXT LITTLE BIG RIVER — DAY
BRUCE and TRACEY set up tent.
TRACEY
Says here: put the pin in the bottom, then latch and bend.
BRUCE
Okay, I’m bending it.
TRACEY
Not that…
Tent pole racks TRACEY.
BRUCE
Ouch. Too much?
TRACEY
Just hold that other end. And don’t move.
BRUCE
I got it in, I got it in. Pull ‘er through, fast!
TRACEY bends pole; sound of tent ripping as pole slaps BRUCE in the face.
TRACEY
I’ll get the duct tape.
CUT TO
TRACEY puts final piece of tape on the battered tent.
TRACEY
That should do it.
BRUCE
I’m tired, let me in there.
Tent collapses on BRUCE.
TRACEY
I see what we need to do. Get out of there.
They wrestle with the tent. Time lapse of sun going down to sounds of the brothers arguing over the tent.
35 EXT OLD BRIDGE ROAD — MORNING
The Cobra races down the road, driven by HIPSTER WEDDING MUSICIAN. The runaway bride, PEACHES, hangs out the window, trailing her veil.
PEACHES
I feel so alive!
36 EXT SIMPSON CAMP — MORNING
BRUCE crawls out of ripped, patched and rigged tent, stretches and yawns. As he answers the call of nature, the Cobra screeches across the bridge. A bridal veil floats down and lands at his feet.
37 EXT RIVERBANK — MORNING
TRACEY fumbles with a pair of waders as BRUCE talks on phone.
BRUCE
Good morning, Warden. You ready to witness some first-class trout fishing?
INTERCUT WARDEN at kitchen table working Marilyn Monroe puzzle.
WARDEN
You wouldn’t know a trout from a carp. See you clowns soon.
FELDMAN pulls up to camp.
FELDMAN
Hey Chief! Here’s your fly rods.
BRUCE
You get the spear gun?
FELDMAN
Right here, Chief.
FELDMAN trips, shoots spear gun into his shoe.
BRUCE
Get that arrow out of your foot and get to the other side of the riverbank.
38 EXT RIVER — MORNING
BRUCE and TRACEY wade in river in full trout fishing garb. Downriver, an OLD WOMAN on the bank pulls in a trout with a cane pole.
TRACEY
See that? They’re biting. We got to get a bunch of feeder slack out of this spinning reel. Then cast the line about seven times and get over in that pool.
BRUCE pulls frantically on the line.
TRACEY
No, not that much. Like this.
BRUCE, entangled in the line, slips on a rock and goes under.
TRACEY
Stop messing around! Watch me, it’s all in the wrist.
TRACEY begins looping motions
TRACEY
See, I got the hang of it.
Fly lure catches tent and TRACEY jerks it to the ground.
BRUCE
Nice cast. You keep practicing, I’m going upriver.
39 EXT OLD BRIDGE — MORNING
WARDEN leans on bridge rail, glaring through binoculars.
WARDEN
This is more fun than cow-tipping in the moonlight.
40 EXT RIVER — MORNING
TRACEY (casting)
Oh yeah, oh yeah. I got it, I got it…
TRACEY lets loose with a big cast into a tree, looks over to see OLD WOMAN laughing as she pulls in another trout.
41 EXT UPRIVER — MORNING
BRUCE wades upriver holding the spear gun. Trips, goes under, boot emerges with an arrow through it.
42 EXT RIVER — MORNING
TRACEY tries pulling lure out of tree. Pole slips out of his hands and shoots up into the tree. OLD WOMAN catches third fish.
43 EXT UPRIVER — MORNING
BRUCE sits on a boulder, empties a snake out of his boot and goes under again.
44 EXT RIVER — MORNING
TRACEY greets the OLD WOMAN.
TRACEY
Howdy, ma’am.
OLD WOMAN
(spits tobacco juice) This your first rodeo, young man?
TRACEY
Yeah, we’re just learning. We’re really bass fishermen. We’re having trouble with these trout—what’s your secret, ma’am?
OLD WOMAN
Why, it’s simple—just spit on your lure. Here’s a plug of hand-cut tobacco—go ahead, try it!
TRACEY
We’ll give it a shot—thanks!
TRACEY starts chewing a huge plug of tobacco.
OLD WOMAN
Son, don’t swallow it—you’re turning white as a ghost!
TRACEY
Okay, thanks for the tip.
TRACEY stumbles back into river and begins puking.
OLD WOMAN
He ain’t too bright.
45 EXT BRIDGE — MORNING
WARDEN
Stacey…you are dumber than your own bait.
46 EXT UPRIVER — DAY
BRUCE hunts trout with the spear gun.
BRUCE
I see you under that rock, come to daddy.
BRUCE pulls trigger; arrow ricochets off boulder and knocks off his hat.
47 EXT RIVER — DAY
TRACEY is up in the tree trying to dislodge his rod when the limb breaks. He plummets to the bank.
OLD WOMAN
Ouch.
48 EXT UPRIVER — DAY
BRUCE
I got you now.
BRUCE shoots and hits trout; chaos ensues as he slips and goes under with the fish.
49 EXT RIVER — DAY
TRACEY pulls vines out of his hair. BRUCE wades up holding trout.
TRACEY
What’s that big hole?
BRUCE
I hooked him in the back. I liked to never got the hook out.
50 EXT BRIDGE — DAY
WARDEN
Are you kiddin’ me.
51 EXT RIVER — DAY
BRUCE (yelling)
Hey WARDEN, where are ya? Got another trophy!
WARDEN walks up with camera.
WARDEN
Lemme see that—that’s one sorry-looking brown trout.
STILL SHOT of BRUCE and TRACEY with mangled trout.
52 INT MCCRACKEN RV — MORNING
MRS. MCCRACKEN attempts cooking breakfast in the RV, to MR. MCCRACKEN’S dissatisfaction.
MR. MCCRACKEN
Betty’s coffee is better than this hog slop!
MRS. MCCRACKEN
Maybe you wish the maid was here with us on our second honeymoon?
MR. MCCRACKEN
Oh, where’s my eggs?
MRS. MCCRACKEN plunks down a platter of blackened toast and burned eggs.
MR. MCCRACKEN
Looks like the Waffle Hut again.
53 INT LAKEHOUSE — MORNING
TRACEY draws on the whiteboard: stick figures of people and fish, a map of the lake and some trees.
TRACEY
We picked the perfect time—we’re right in the middle of the crappie spawn. Some big trophy slabs’ll be nesting up in shallow cover, say right about here. I’m gonna use Uncle’s famous jumpin’ jig. You use a minnow and a bobber.
BRUCE reaches over and draws an “X” in the trees.
BRUCE
Keep in mind, there’s no crappie up in these trees.
TRACEY
No, this is my kind of fishing. I got a Z-13 Lightning crappie pole, it’s guaranteed to catch fish. But we can’t be fishing for crappie out of that pontoon boat—we need a jon boat.
BRUCE
We can borrow Cooter’s—I’ll put Feldman on it.
TRACEY
I have to do some business in town. You know, I work for a living. I’ll pick up some supplies but tonight we have to get to bed early. We’re up at 4 am—prime crappie time.
BRUCE
Little brother, we’re gonna be rich.
54 EXT LAKEHOUSE DECK — DAY
BRUCE and FELDMAN lounge on the deck. FELDMAN’s bandaged foot is propped on a table.
BRUCE
Since you’re all gimped up, I got an easy job for you. Tell me about this Feldman family stink bait.
FELDMAN
Alls I need is a bucket of liquefied carp, some coon innards, and a blender.
BRUCE
Get the recipe over to Gina Mae’s. She’s going to cook us up a batch.
FELDMAN
You sure, Chief? It’s some strong stuff!
BRUCE
I’ve known Gina Mae since we were kids. Oddly enough, she enjoys a good stink.
FELDMAN
Weren’t y’all engaged?
BRUCE
Have the jim boat and the stink bait in place on the west side of Whiskey Lake. We’ll be at the Point Cedar ramp at 4 am sharp. Now get outta here—I gotta take this call… Simpson Enterprises, we do it all.
INTERCUT — GUY sits on a motel bed looking miserable.
GUY
Mr. Simpson, you’re not gonna believe this. Peaches run off in the Cobra. There was this guitar player at the wedding reception—she liked his man-bun. What should we do, go to the police?
BRUCE
We’re not gonna do anything; you are going to get that car back or—
GUY holds phone away from ear as Bruce screams unintelligibly.
BRUCE
Now do we understand each other?
GUY
Yes sir, Mr. Simpson, I understand. No need for all that—I’ll get her back—the car I mean—
BRUCE
Listen closely: Get with Feldman, get your motorcycle, and run her down. [click]
GUY
Yes sir. Hello? Hello?
55 INT GINA MAE’S FISH HOUSE — DAY
GINA MAE (a cougar with a Stevie Nicks-style wardrobe) stands with FELDMAN in her ramshackle kitchen. GINA MAE studies the stinkbait recipe.
GINA MAE
I’ve cooked worse. I like the idea of these coon innards—it’ll thicken the carp broth right nice. This is gonna make a good stink. I’ll fire up the Dutch oven out back. It’ll take a while to stew down.
FELDMAN
That stink don’t bother me. Kinda reminds me of home.
GINA MAE
The Feldman family tree is more of a whittled-down stump, ain’t it?
FELDMAN
We are special. I’ll be back later to jar up the stinkbait.
GINA MAE enthusiastically begins grabbing pans and ladles.
56 EXT GINA MAE’S FISH HOUSE — DAY
FELDMAN walks to his truck oblivious to the Cobra zooming past, PEACHES whooping from the passenger side. FELDMAN turns to look, the car is gone. Shakes his head.
57 EXT MCCRACKEN RV — DAY
The MCCRACKENS sit under the RV canopy, bored. MRS. MCCRACKEN reads a magazine.
MR. MCCRACKEN
Look at this tick bite. I don’t know how much more I can take.
MRS MCCRACKEN
I’ve taken 30 years of your smart mouth. There’s a strawberry festival down at Grand Junction and I’m gonna be there when they crown Miss Berry Patch—you promised!
MR. MCCRACKEN
I did nothing of the sort! I promised to take you to the kudzu festival—we already did that—which was about as fun as visiting your sister.
MRS. MCCRACKEN
Don’t start in on my family—they tried to warn me I was marrying beneath me. I should have married Elmer—he’s up to 12 chicken houses now. He knew how to treat a Southern belle. Take me home!
MR. MCCRACKEN
I envy Elmer. None of his hens can talk. And as for your sister—If I have to hear another word about her gout, or her bunions—
MRS. MCCRACKEN
I’ll be packing!
MR. MCCRACKEN
Good! At least you ain’t cooking!
58 INT MR. SCOURGE’S ACCOUNTING OFFICE — DAY
TRACEY
I need to reschedule my meetings for the week—I got family business to attend to.
MR. SCOURGE
I just read the Boatatorium report. We don’t have time for this.
TRACEY
Let the lawyers handle it—I’ve had a death in the family.
MR. SCOURGE
Well that is bad timing.
59 INT TRACEY’S ACCOUNTING OFFICE – DAY
TRACEY resumes surfing the Internet, sees a website: “Is it Your Dream to Own Your Own Sports Bar?” He clicks link—alarms start going off and YOU’RE FIRED flashes red on the screen. TRACEY storms out of office.
TRACEY
That’s fine, Scourge! I’m about to be rich!
60 EXT GINA MAE’S BACKYARD — DAY
GINA MAE stands over a bubbling, boiling Dutch oven, drops a handful of chicken feet into the brew, stirs, sniffs the ladle, gags.
GINA MAE
Oh, Lord help! Auughghg (gag, cough) (sniffs again) Mmmmm, not bad. (replaces lid)
FELDMAN
Yoo-hoo, Gina Mae, where you at, girl?
GINA MAE
Out back, you got the jars? It’s almost ready.
FELDMAN
I could smell it all the way in the parking lot. But something’s different.
GINA MAE
I added a few ingredients of my own—may be my best work. NASA might be interested in this—it’s a stink too powerful for this world! Don’t get too close, Feldman—
FELDMAN
Just a little whiff—
GINA MAE
NO! Don’t touch that lid!
FELDMAN uses the hook to lift the Dutch oven’s iron lid, a cloud billows out, FELDMAN gags uncontrollably.
FELDMAN
I got some on me!
FELDMAN drops the lid, causing a tiny droplet of stinkbait to splash onto GINA MAE’S cleavage. GINA MAE screams and takes off running through the woods toward the river.
GINA MAE
Get the goat soap! Get the goat soap!
61 EXT WOODS — DAY
FELDMAN, holding a bar of homemade soap, runs through the woods after GINA MAE. Every few paces he gets hit in the face with an article of her clothing. By the time he gets to the riverbank, she’s in the water naked and he is holding her clothes in one hand, soap in the other.
FELDMAN
Here’s the soap, Gina Mae. And your clothes.
GINA MAE
Burn ‘em, you idiot. And bring me my overalls. Hurry! The fish are dying!
Fish go belly-up around GINA MAE.
62 EXT POINT CEDAR BOAT RAMP — 4 AM
FELDMAN has boat ready. The brothers pull up in TRACEY’S truck.
FELDMAN
She’s all ready to go, Chief.
TRACEY
What IS that? Something dead around here?
BRUCE
I had Gina Mae cook us up some stinkbait, just in case. As long as I catch it on a minnow, it doesn’t matter what it smells like.
FELDMAN
I wouldn’t use it unless you have to Chief—it’s a real bad batch!
BRUCE
Feldman, you stink worse than a hog waller full of dead skunks. Go sneak up on a bath—and then head to the office. That boy’s coming for his Harley—he’ll fill you in.
TRACEY
Wait, he’s not driving my truck smelling like that!
BRUCE
Keep your eyes on the prize! Let’s get this boat in the water before the sun comes up.
TRACEY gets in FELDMAN’s truck, BRUCE climbs in the john boat and unhooks it from the trailer.
BRUCE
All right, take it slow.
TRACEY
How far do I go?
BRUCE
Keep it coming slow, ‘til the wheels go under.
TRACEY
It’s turning!
BRUCE
No, turn the other way! Watch out, it drops off.
TRACEY
I got it—wheels under.
BRUCE
Not truck wheels!
Trailer goes vertical, catapulting john boat into the lake. TRACEY guns the engine, lodging trailer against a rock. Sound of ripping steel. He jerks it free and drags it out of the water, a mangled mess.
BRUCE
Park that and come on! I’m taking on water—this boat’s a piece of junk!
TRACEY
I forgot to tell you—put the plug in!
63 EXT ON THE BANK OF WHISKEY LAKE — DAWN
BRUCE and TRACEY bail out the boat.
BRUCE
You forgot to tell me.
TRACEY
You finish this, I’ll get the trolling motor hooked up.
64 EXT WHISKEY LAKE — DAWN
TRACEY
We’ve got to start fishing—the sun’s already up. I’m gonna troll us over to those fir trees.
TRACEY guns trolling motor like a motorcycle. It comes off the boat, circling in the water full throttle.
TRACEY
Unhook the battery!
BRUCE rips terminal off battery. Trolling motor sinks.
65 EXT WHISKEY LAKE — MORNING
TRACEY paddles the boat as BRUCE calls WARDEN.
BRUCE
Good morning.
INTERCUT to Warden at his morning ritual: cereal, cigar, Marilyn Monroe puzzle. The puzzle is coming together nicely.
WARDEN
What time’s the comedy start today, Simpson?
BRUCE
You’re a funny man, Warden. Put your little ranger outfit on and come to the show. Point Cedar side of Whiskey Lake. We’re just getting started.
WARDEN (to Marilyn)
I hate to leave you, darlin’. I’ll be back soon.
66 EXT WHISKEY LAKE — MORNING
BRUCE attempts to get a minnow on his hook, drops minnow and has to catch it flopping in the boat. His cane pole swings toward TRACEY, who ducks.
TRACEY
Get serious, Bruce! Hook it.
BRUCE stabs minnow through the back.
TRACEY
No, no. You’ll kill it—it’s got to swim.
BRUCE tosses dead minnow over his shoulder into the water. A huge thrashing, and the minnow is gone. He puts the next hook through a minnow’s tail and plops it in the water. BRUCE stares at the bobber, which quickly goes under a couple of times.
BRUCE
I got one! I got one!
TRACEY
Bruce, that’s your minnow.
BRUCE
My bad.
TRACEY
Here’s how it’s done.
TRACEY sets hook and gets hung up.
BRUCE’s bobber disappears amid violent thrashing in the water.
BRUCE
Whoa WHOA, I got something big! Get the net.
TRACEY fumbles with the net while BRUCE tries to hold on as the pole jerks from side to side.
TRACEY
Hang in there Bruce, tire it out!
BRUCE
Here he comes—get the net!
TRACEY nets the fish—not a crappie but a large Alligator gar.
BRUCE
What is it? A monster!?
TRACEY
Look at those teeth! It’s prehistoric!
The gar bites through the net and jumps to the floor of the boat. BRUCE grabs a paddle and begins whaling on it.
67 EXT SIMPSON ENTERPRISES — AFTERNOON
FELDMAN rolls the Harley up to GUY.
GUY
Think I know where to find her. I found a flyer. That hipster’s band is playing tonight at the Crippled Pig.
FELDMAN
You better hope she is. The Chief don’t play games. We’re running outta time. I’ll meet you there.
GUY
I’m gonna get my Peaches back one way or another.
GUY revs up and speeds off, throwing dirt on FELDMAN.
68 EXT WHISKEY LAKE — AFTERNOON
Time passes as BRUCE’s pile of empty “water” bottles grows.
69 EXT WHISKEY LAKE, POINT CEDAR SIDE — AFTERNOON
WARDEN sits in folding chair on the bank, watching through binoculars. His woodland pals gather to watch as well.
WARDEN
Catch another gar—that was fun!
70 EXT WHISKEY LAKE — AFTERNOON
BRUCE
I can’t take this anymore! Get out the stinkbait.
TRACEY
I got one!
TRACEY pulls up a dripping tree limb.
TRACEY
You’re right, time for stinkbait.
TRACEY hands the jar to BRUCE, who begins unscrewing the lid.
BRUCE
Get the poles ready—we’re gonna pop a glob of this on the hooks—oh Dear Lord God Amighty!
BRUCE tosses the jar to TRACEY as a plume of black mist engulfs the boat. TRACEY screams; they toss the jar back and forth like a hot potato, BRUCE retching.
TRACEY
Get the net! Net it!
BRUCE
I got it! Throw it!
The jar sails through the hole in the net and into the lake. Fish go belly up and surround boat.
TRACEY
Those over there are crappies—I’ve seen pictures.
BRUCE
There’s a big one.
BRUCE scoops up the fish with his hat.
71 EXT POINT CEDAR SIDE OF WHISKEY LAKE — DAY
WARDEN and animals sniff the air.
WARDEN
My God, what is that smell?
WARDEN stumbles away as animals scatter.
72 EXT POINT CEDAR BOAT RAMP — DAY
WARDEN
What died up in here?
BRUCE
Looks like bears do crap in the woods.
TRACEY
I don’t smell nothin’!
WARDEN
Hold it up so I can get out of here.
STILL SHOT: BRUCE and TRACEY cover their noses as they hold up the crappie.
73 INT CRIPPLED PIG — NIGHT
Band plays as PEACHES dances in her tattered wedding gown.
74 EXT CRIPPLED PIG — NIGHT
FELDMAN and GUY attempt to get past the BOUNCER.
BOUNCER
Nope. It’s a private party tonight.
GUY
I got to get my wife—Peaches!
FELDMAN
We’ll be going now—(whispers) shut up and follow me around back.
75 EXT ALLEYWAY BEHIND CRIPPLED PIG — NIGHT
FELDMAN
Climb up on my shoulders—that’s the window of the ladies’ room.
GUY
How’d you know?
FELDMAN
I’ve serenaded a few rough-cuts in my time.
GUY
She’s a drinker—she’ll be in here soon. I wrote down my feelings—
FELDMAN
Do you see anyone? I can’t hold you for long—send somebody to fetch her. (SOUND OF FLUSHING)
GUY
Ma’am? Up here! Hey can you fetch Peaches, it’s important.
WOMAN (VOICE OVER)
You pervert! Oh, it’s you. I’ll get her down off the bar. This should be good.
Sounds of women chattering excitedly as they pack into the restroom. Intermittent sounds of flushing.
GUY
Peaches? You in there?
PEACHES
Yes I’m here and so is half the bar. What do you want?
GUY
I wrote you a poem (FLUSH)
PEACHES
Well get to it, I ain’t got all night.
GUY
How do I love thee? Lemme count up all the ways. (FLUSH)
Um, number one: I love that crease in your left bun.
I love how we have lots of fun. (FLUSH)
Number two: Your cooking ain’t so bad
And I’ll never forget that first night we had (FLUSH)
Number four—
PEACHES
Fool, you skipped one!
FELDMAN
Hurry up!
GUY
Number three: I think that I shall never see
A pair as purty as your double-D’s… (FLUSH)
And Number five—I mean, four—I love your hair, I love your smell
And your big eyes, and big ol’ thighs.
Now darlin’ come and ride with me
Though we are but two
We can someday make three. (FLUSH)
Sound of applause and flushing.
FELDMAN
I’m losing it!
GUY
Peaches, come on!
WOMAN
She left at number three. That was right purty, Hon!
FELDMAN and GUY collapse as a flashlight blinds them; they look up to see the BOUNCER glaring down.
76 EXT UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE — MORNING
TRACEY walks up and stands below the sign “Unemployment Office.” He puts on his sunglasses. Sign changes to read: “Losers This Way.”
77 EXT GINA MAE’S FISH TACO TRUCK — DAY
Logo on side of truck depicts a taco shell enfolding a fish.
GINA MAE
So, old man Abraham has turned y’all into fishermen.
BRUCE
It’s been easy so far. I’m gonna be rich, Gina Mae.
GINA MAE
Yeah, easy! Like those bass Feldman bought. Or that stink that put me in the lake.
BRUCE
Listen, I need your help. I got a runaway bride driving a black Cobra. She may be traveling with a hipster wearing a man-bun.
GINA MAE
You mean Peaches? I’ve seen her running all over town acting crazy. She’s been in that wedding gown for days. People are starting to talk.
BRUCE
That would be her. I need to get that car back, Gina Mae.
GINA MAE
What’s in it for me?
BRUCE
You know I’ll always take care of you.
GINA MAE
You’re such a stinker. I’ll find her.
BRUCE
Good. I got a noodling contest to win tomorrow, then catch a stripper, and we’re rich.
GINA MAE
Striper.
78 EXT LAKE HOUSE — NIGHT
WARDEN and the brothers sit around a fire pit, drinking beer.
WARDEN
Thanks for the meal, boys, but I’m getting a little too lit. I better head on home.
BRUCE
You can’t leave—not before you try some of this moonshine.
WARDEN
Well, maybe just a swaller.
BRUCE
We just want to bury the hatchet and get on better terms.
TRACEY
You kind of freaked us out when we were kids, is all.
WARDEN
I was upset over old man Peterson’s heart attack. Y’all were just kids and I was a little hard on you.
BRUCE
Have another swaller, Warden. It’s all good now.
WARDEN
No, no—I got to head on–
[CUT TO: WARDEN and the brothers drunkenly singing “Born to Be Wild.”]
79 EXT LAKE HOUSE — EARLY MORNING
WARDEN and brothers slouch around the dying fire.
BRUCE
I may be the greatest fisherman of all time.
TRACEY
It’s the Simpson Blood.
WARDEN
Simpson blood? Y’all been cheating your way through this whole thing. I saw Feldman’s beady eyes in the weeds. I saw you hunting trout with a speargun. And that stinkbait…I can still smell it.
TRACEY
What are you babbling about?
WARDEN
Are you dumb or just ignorant?
TRACEY
I knew about the stinkbait but—
BRUCE
We don’t know what you’re talking about, Warden. We got a noodle and a stripper left and we’re home free. Warden?
TRACEY
He’s passed out. What have you done, Bruce? I knew you were up to something! This always happens. What are we gonna do now? You screwed us again!
BRUCE
We’ll pay him off and we’ll stop cheating.
TRACEY
It’s too late! He’s gonna tell Leggett. You blew it!
BRUCE
If he hasn’t blown our cover by now, he’ll take a check.
80 EXT COUSIN COOTER’S COMPOUND — DAY
BRUCE stands with FELDMAN, who sneaks him a .45.
FELDMAN
Here, Chief, just in case. It ain’t wise to noodle alone.
BRUCE
Perfect.
FELDMAN
Take that trail down to the pond—the honey-hole is under the willer tree. You can win this thing—ain’t but three people in the tournament. Everybody’s still asleep after partying last night. Old man Hawkins is half-blind, and cousin Teeter ain’t got but three fingers—that ain’t good for gripping.
TRACEY
I thought his name was Cooter.
FELDMAN
Teeter’s Cooter’s brother. And his cousin. It’s complicated.
BRUCE
Go get the Warden—we left him passed out at the lake house. And then find my car!
FELDMAN
Right, Chief.
81 INT THE RV — DAY
MRS. MCCRACKEN wrestles with a road atlas.
MR. MCCRACKEN
Is it exit 32 or 33, woman?
MRS. MCCRACKEN
Why does it matter, Hon? Don’t they all have gas?
MR. MCCRACKEN
I’ll be damned if you’re going to break family tradition—the McCrackens are an Exxon clan! And Ford.
MRS. MCCRACKEN
The print’s so small! And all these numbers! Which highway are we on now?
MR. MCCRACKEN
Give me that map.
MRS. MCCRACKEN
Don’t you dare take your eyes off the road, you Philistine!
MR. MCCRACKEN
Give it to me!
MRS. MCCRACKEN
No!
MR. MCCRACKEN
Right now!
MRS. MCCRACKEN
Beast!
The McCRACKENS fight each other for the map, which rips. MR. MCCRACKEN throws his half out the window. The map lands on the windshield of a semi; the truck jackknifes out of control.
MR. MCCRACKEN
Look what you’ve done now.
MRS. MCCRACKEN
Right there—it’s Exit 32! Right, right, turn right!
The RV swerves across lanes and exits, leaving a trail of wreckage on the highway.
82 EXT COOTER’S POND — DAY
BRUCE and TRACEY stand on the bank.
BRUCE
Slide in that honey hole and pull us up one, brother.
TRACEY
No, this looks like a Bruce job.
BRUCE
You know I don’t swim good.
TRACEY
It’s five feet deep.
BRUCE
You haven’t caught a fish yet.
TRACEY
All right! How hard can this be—all you do is use your fingers as bait. I’m going in.
TRACEY goes under, pulls out an old boot.
BRUCE
At least it’s not a tree.
TRACEY
The hole’s wide open now—I’m going in!
TRACEY goes under for a long time, then shoots out of the water screaming, his arm engulfed by a giant catfish.
TRACEY
Get it off! Get it off!
BRUCE wrestles TRACEY onto the bank as they fight the fish.
BRUCE
I got it! I got it! AUUUGHGHGH I got finned!
TRACEY
My arm’s numb!
BRUCE
Hold still, I’ll shoot its tail!
TRACEY
No, no!
BRUCE fires the gun, blowing the tail off the catfish, and TRACEY takes off into the woods.
BRUCE
Stop! I’m coming!
BRUCE shoots at a limb, which falls, halting TRACEY.
83 EXT COOTER’S COMPOUND — DAY
WARDEN, wearing sunglasses, prepares to take the photo.
BRUCE
How you feeling today, Warden? Remember anything from last night?
WARDEN
I feel great, boy. This ain’t my first barn dance. You call this jake-leg business a fishing tournament?
BRUCE
Said so on the form. Let me tell you something: we’re down to a stripper and this little contest is over. I want you to know the Simpson brothers take care of their friends.
WARDEN
I work for Arman and Leggett—I don’t need any friends.
TRACEY
I’m bleeding over here!
STILL SHOT: BRUCE and TRACEY hold catfish with a duct-taped tail; TRACEY lifting a tacky-looking homemade trophy.
84 INT LAKEHOUSE — NIGHT
BRUCE and TRACEY (his arm in a bandage) sprawl on couches in the den.
TRACEY
You heard what he said—he ain’t our friend!
BRUCE
When the money comes in—that’s when the deals are made.
TRACEY
All we had to do was catch some fish but you had to screw it up!
BRUCE
The only fish you caught, caught you!
TRACEY
At least it was an honest catch!
BRUCE
Honest! You bailed on Simpson Enterprises because you wanted to be an honest man, put a noose on and push papers! And what happens? They fire you.
TRACEY
I got sick of being the goat in every one of your schemes.
BRUCE
Look, we gotta figure out how to catch a striper tomorrow, and then see what happens.
TRACEY
It’s not that easy. Stripers are hard to catch. They can be in 10 to 30 feet of water. I’m going to bed—you work on your next scam.
BRUCE
Trust me, brother. We’re gonna do this one straight. Then we’re gonna get our money and build you a sports bar.
BRUCE’s phone rings.
85 INT ROADSIDE MOTEL — NIGHT
The MCCRACKENS are in bed, MRS. MCCRACKEN wearing cold cream and an eye mask; the TV flickers in the background.
MR. MCCRACKEN
Simpson—where’ve you been? I’ve been leaving messages for days.
INTERCUT with BRUCE in Lakehouse den
BRUCE
I’m a busy man, Mr. McCracken. How’s the honeymoon?
MR. MCCRACKEN
The honeymoon’s over. We’ll be back tomorrow to pick up the car.
BRUCE
Tomorrow? Well…we’ll have her nice and shiny for you—about what time?
MR. MCCRACKEN
You better. We’ll be there by 5 o’clock sharp.
BRUCE
Well that’s perfect—enjoy your evening, sir.
MRS. MCCRACKEN
Rub my neck, Hon.
MR. MCCRACKEN absent mindedly rubs her neck while flipping channels.
MR. MCCRACKEN
Enjoy my evening.
BRUCE hangs up phone and notices framed photographs of the MCCRACKENS, including one of MR. MCCRACKEN holding an elephant gun and posing with a trophy bull elephant.
86 INT COFFEESHOP — MORNING
FELDMAN
They’re on their way back—we have to find it today!
GUY
I’m a dead man. Where could she be?
FELDMAN
Think, man! What did you and Peaches do on Saturday mornings?
GUY
Aw, now, ain’t that a bit personal?
FELDMAN
After? What did you do after? Did you go someplace, I mean.
GUY
Well Peaches did like to check out the Farmer’s Market. She enjoys squeezing the melons.
FELDMAN
Me too. It’s open til noon.
GUY
Peaches ain’t an early riser, that’s for sure. We got some time yet.
WAITRESS plunks down two platters piled with bacon, eggs, grits and pancakes.
FELDMAN
Chief would want us to eat.
87 INT TRUCK – MORNING
BRUCE and TRACEY drive to far side of Whiskey Lake to catch the final fish: the striper.
BRUCE
We got another problem.
TRACEY
Great.
BRUCE
Well, you know my RV—I’m a little behind on payments. So I rented it out to some folks. Then I took their car and rented it out. Now, I got the RV coming home and their car got stolen.
TRACEY
You talking about that Cobra?
BRUCE
Peaches stole it.
TRACEY
That’s not good.
BRUCE
And those payments happen to be due. There are some Guido’s looking for me right now, I’m sure.
TRACEY
Here we go again, same old story—why don’t you pay ‘em off with the rest of Uncle Abe’s $10,000?
BRUCE
Little problem with that…I lost it all at the track.
TRACEY
That’s it—I’m done! I’m not going down with you again. Let me out of this truck!
A series of farm animals begins crossing the road, causing BRUCE to swerve violently.
TRACEY
Watch out for that chicken!
BRUCE
Why’d that damn chicken cross the road?!
TRACEY
Watch out for that ass!
BRUCE
What’s going on?
TRACEY
Let me out of this truck!
BRUCE swerves to miss a hog standing in the middle of the road and slows to a stop. As TRACEY opens the door, a huge buck runs into the truck, disabling the vehicle. Steam pours from the hood. TRACEY starts walking down the road as BRUCE grabs the gear and follows him.
BRUCE
Come on, little brother, one more time. We’re almost there. No cheating—we can pull this off!
TRACEY
Leave me alone, Bruce.
88 EXT FARMERS MARKET — DAY
PEACHES, still in her tattered wedding dress, fondles melons at the Farmers Market, drawing stares and whispers. FELDMAN and GUY stand beside GINA MAE’s fish taco truck, eating again.
FELDMAN
Ain’t nobody can make a fish taco like you can, Gina Mae.
GINA MAE
Boys—don’t look now, but there’s Peaches. I told y’all not to look! Come back, you’re gonna spook her!
GUY
Peaches!
PEACHES heaves a melon at her pursuers, grabs a handful of oranges and takes off. GUY and FELDMAN follow, knocking over strollers, acoustic musicians, and old ladies with lap dogs. Peaches drives off in the Cobra, hurling oranges in her wake.
89 EXT FAR SIDE OF WHISKEY LAKE — DAY
Brothers sit on side of the road.
BRUCE
Come on, the lake’s just over that hill—we can call the Warden, catch this stripper, and then find the car.
TRACEY gapes in astonishment as a white monster truck pulls up, accompanied by angelic music and a celestial aura of light. Driver’s window rolls down and WILLIE, dressed all in white, calls to the brothers.
WILLIE
Going fishing?
TRACEY
Who are you?
WILLIE
I’m a fisher of men.
BRUCE
We don’t go for that—we’re not on that team.
WILLIE
I’m here for your salvation.
TRACEY
Did Uncle Abraham send you?
WILLIE
Sure he did. I work in mysterious ways.
BRUCE
Can you help us catch a stripper, fast?
WILLIE
“And Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights.” Yes, my son, get in, I can help you.
90 INT RV — DAY
MR. MCCRACKEN
All this driving’s got my hemorrhoids flaring up!
MRS. MCCRACKEN
You’re always whining about something.
MR. MCCRACKEN
Speaking of, tonight I’m leaving you at home while I take the Cobra –I’ll be wining and dining at the Club.
MRS. MCCRACKEN
At least I’ll get a night of peace! You love that car more than you love me!
MR. MCCRACKEN
You may be right, Mrs. McCracken.
The RV passes a sign that reads “Whiskey Lake, 30 miles.”
91 EXT CITY STREET — DAY
GUY pulls his motorcycle beside FELDMAN’s truck.
GUY
I lost her. Do you see any sign of her?
FELDMAN
No—wait! There’s an orange, follow me!
92 EXT WILLIE’S BOAT — DAY
TRACEY
What’s the plan?
WILLIE
Drop anchor, I’ll get my gear.
BRUCE
Here’s a pole, Tracey’s got the tacklebox.
WILLIE
Fine—hand me that duffel bag first. We’re gonna feed the multitudes.
TRACEY (whispers)
Bruce—this guy’s not right.
BRUCE
He’s nuttier than a squirrel turd.
WILLIE whips out a stick of dynamite.
TRACEY
What are you doing!?
WILLIE pantomimes a fishing pole with the dynamite.
WILLIE
Did you expect me to show you how to flick and dip? Cast your net wide boys!
WILLIE lights the dynamite.
BRUCE
NOOOO!
WILLIE hurls the stick of dynamite.
CUT TO: stock images of atomic blasts.
93 EXT SHORE OF WHISKEY LAKE — DAY
The brothers stagger along a trail beside the lake, burnt and smoking. In the background the boat can be seen in the treetops.
TRACEY
What happened? Where’d he go?
BRUCE
Was he even real?
TRACEY
That dynamite was real.
The brothers come upon two boys fishing.
BOY
Hey mister, you wanna give it a try?
BRUCE, in a daze, casts. A large striper strikes the lure.
BRUCE
Get the net!
TRACEY
I got it, I got it!
BOY
You got ‘im, mister!
TRACEY
Not too hard, don’t break the line!
BRUCE
I got him, get the net!
TRACEY awkwardly nets fish.
BOYS
It’s got a tag! Look, it’s tagged!
WARDEN (VOICE OVER)
I can’t believe y’all did it.
WARDEN appears and snaps photo of an awestruck BRUCE holding up the fish.
TRACEY
How’d you find us?
WARDEN
I just followed the explosions and smoke.
BOY
Look, mister! It’s the $10,000 prize fish!
TRACEY
Warden–what do you mean, we did it?
WARDEN
You did it, boys. Your uncle’s will actually had only one stipulation: that you catch a fish and enjoy it.
BRUCE
Brother we’re rich!
TRACEY [handing the fish to the kids]
Boys, y’all split that prize money down the middle.
BRUCE
Slow down, Tracey.
TRACEY
It’s the right thing to do—give these boys a head start in life.
BRUCE hands the boys a smoldering business card.
BRUCE
All right. But you boys come talk to me at Simpson Enterprises if you want to double your money. Warden, get a picture of their winning catch!
TRACEY
You save that money, now.
WARDEN takes a photo of BOYS holding fish as the brothers steal WARDEN’s truck and take off down the road.
BRUCE
We got to take care of something Warden—meet you later at Arman & Leggett’s!
94 EXT CITY STREETS — DAY
GUY (followed by FELDMAN) pursues PEACHES, motorcycle weaving in traffic. GUY pulls alongside the moving Cobra.
PEACHES
Leave me alone!
GUY
Listen to me, Honey, if I don’t get this car back to Mr. Simpson, I’m a dead man!
PEACHES
Well whyn’t you say so? Which way is it?
GUY
When you get to the fork in the road, take the left.
GUY drops back and follows Cobra.
95 INT FELDMAN’S TRUCK — DAY
FELDMAN (on phone)
We got her headed the long way to the office—I’m taking the wraparound, you cut her off at the gate.
INTERCUT to INT GINA MAE’S FISH TACO TRUCK — DAY
GINA MAE
I’ll beat her there from the south—where’s Bruce and Tracey?
FELDMAN
I don’t know. Over and out!
96 INT WARDEN’S TRUCK — DAY
TRACEY
Slow down Bruce!
BRUCE
We got to make up some time. Hold on!
97 INT RV — DAY
While the MCCRACKENS argue, the Cobra, followed by the motorcycle and the truck, blow past at a high rate of speed, unnoticed.
MR. MCCRACKEN
Just tell me left or right at the V! Use your phone, look up Simpson Enterprises.
MRS. MCCRACKEN
This map app don’t make no sense—but I remember, just go right.
MR. MCRACKEN
Simpson better be there.
98 EXT FORK IN THE ROAD — DAY
The convoy approaches the fork in the road. PEACHES arrives and turns right, followed by Guy. FELDMAN takes the (shortcut) left.
CUT TO VEHICLES
PEACHES
Can’t tell ME what to do!
GUY
Hah, I knew it.
FELDMAN
We got her now.
99 INT WARDEN’S TRUCK — DAY
TRACEY
We’re not gonna make it!
BRUCE
We’re almost there.
100 INT MCCRACKEN RV — DAY
MRS. MCCRACKEN
This is it, turn right!
MR. MCCRACKEN
Now was that so hard?
101 EXT CITY STREET — DAY
PEACHES and GUY race toward Simpson Enterprises’ front gate. GINA MAE blocks the street, sending PEACHES up the drive and through the gate. GINA MAE blocks her in with the fish taco truck. GUY and FELDMAN pull up, blocking the other side of the circular drive.
102 EXT SIMPSON ENTERPRISES — DAY
PEACHES
How’d you know I’d turn right instead of left?
GUYS
‘Cause I’m your soul-fate.
They embrace. BRUCE and TRACEY screech to a halt.
BRUCE
Feldman, get that Cobra in the shed and give ‘er a quick spit-shine.
FELDMAN
Right, Chief!
MCCRACKENS park behind the taco truck and make their way past GUY and PEACHES.
GUY
What about that musician?
PEACHES
He didn’t mean nothing—I couldn’t look at that man-bun another minute.
MR. MCCRACKEN
What the hell is going on around here? Simpson!
GINA MAE
Well, hello there. My name’s Gina Mae, what’s yours?
MRS. MCCRACKEN
Goodness gracious!
GINA MAE
Goodness ain’t got nothing to do with it, honey.
TRACEY walks up and greets the MCCRACKENS.
TRACEY
I understand y’all just came back from your second honeymoon—how long y’all been together?
MR. MCCRACKEN
Thirty years, as of yesterday.
MRS. MCCRACKEN
Look at that cute young couple riding off on that motorcycle, they ` seem so happy. Why can’t we be like that, hon?
MR. MCCRACKEN
We can celebrate as soon as we get the Cobra. Simpson!
BRUCE
How are my favorite honeymooners, the McCrackens?
MR. MCCRACKEN
Got no time for chatting. Where’s my Cobra?
BRUCE
Here it comes right now, sir.
FELDMAN pulls around with the shiny Cobra. He opens the door and an orange rolls out. He pockets it.
MR. MCCRACKEN
Get in, honey! We can still make the early bird special at the Club.
MR. MCCRACKEN holds door open for his wife and MRS. MCCRACKEN elbows GINA MAE out of the way.
GINA MAE
Y’all be good—and if you can’t be good, be good at it!
Cobra drives off. The brothers and FELDMAN and GINA MAE stare after it, FELDMAN peels and eats the orange. BRUCE puts his arm across TRACEY’s shoulders.
BRUCE
I told you to trust me. We did it.
TRACEY
It’s the Simpson Blood.
DENOUEMENT:
103 INTERIOR SPORTS BAR — NIGHT
Wild launch party at TRACEY’s new place: Simpsons On the Lake, is in full swing. All the characters are dancing.